Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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