i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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