Im at strip club and am horny
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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