how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
