I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
