i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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