the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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