Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
