What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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