we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
