his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
