I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
and you fell through a lawn chair
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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