you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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