he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
