that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
