i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
