Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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