The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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