high people should be assigned attendants
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
