I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
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She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
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I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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