I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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