never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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