I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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