He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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