Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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