my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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