i just wanna soil my oats bro
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
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There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
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At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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