I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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