Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
