No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
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