i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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