Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
