Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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