I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
