he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
