I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
