I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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