I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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