im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
