I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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