So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
