I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i came on her dog
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
