I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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