Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
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I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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