guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
