i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
