Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
