At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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