I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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