Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
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Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
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I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize