i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
false alarm, still single
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