Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
and she was petting her beer can
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
