bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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