I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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