i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
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