My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize