We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
