Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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