my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
