I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
